my secrets: In time my presence will leave your heartand nothing will be left of...
In time my presence will leave your heart
and nothing will be left of me
I’ll always look for you beside me
as i cry some of the loneliest tears
but you will never feel the urge to hold me
no graceful touch of your hand will brace my cheek again
wiping away the tears of pain i let escape
I want you all to myself.. ♡
I’m afraid of losing you. I’m not someone with over the top confidence. I get jealous when I see others try to talk to you in a flirty way. I often catch myself second guessing every situation in the worst way possible. It’s a scary thought knowing there are millions of people out there who have a lot more to offer than me, whether it’s looks, personality, or the way they carry themselves. I guess I’m selfish, I want you all to myself and I cant help it.
This is how I feel. Completely. I love him so much.
Venting - My recent days, in a nutshell.
After the love of my life called off our engagement and basically told me that he doesn’t like the person I am….it makes you contemplate on your life, behavior, etc.
What makes it so hard to understand is…I haven’t changed the person I am since the day we met. I am exactly who I am the day he told me he loved me for the first time, and this last time he told me he loved me. So what has changed? Good question.
I am very bad at communication. But only when it comes to a man. I can talk to my close girlfriends about anything and everything, but to a man, it’s hard to trust when you have never had a man to trust.
Then you finally find the perfect man, the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with, the one that completes you, the one that doesn’t have to say anything and you know that they love you, the one that helps bring your walls that are so high down, brick by brick.
But that all changes with one conversation.
I have never had a doubt in my mind that he loved me unconditionally, that he would never do anything to hurt me, or my son, that he would never cheat on me, or betray me in anyway. I never had those thoughts.
He told me that he doesn’t know if we will work because he could develop outside interests/feelings.
Then it makes you wonder, what did I do to make him want to look elsewhere, what can I do to fix it, what if…
I feel like, now that he doesn’t want to marry me, he never did in the first place. Like, he didn’t want to be that single guy anymore and was settling for what he had now. But now, that someone has shown interest he is jumping on the opportunity to leave and start over with someone else.
I don’t know how anyone could do this. If you love someone, you love someone. If you don’t, don’t ask them to marry you, don’t pretend to love them.
Granted, I’m not this amazing-beautiful-wonderful-happy-communcating women. I have my flaws, and I can’t hide them. But, if you truly love someone to the point where you once wanted to marry them, why throw it away? Why allow someone to juke your thoughts, and think about someone else.
I have been through so much these past three years of my life, and this is the icing on the cake.
How do you get through this? How do you get that feeling back? How do you fill the void that you are feeling, all because you want to make it work? How?
Maybe I’ll find out, and maybe he’ll be that man that proves to me that with work, relationships can be successful.
My life is in shambles. It’s hard to open up to someone when you have a fear of them leaving you and knowing all your secrets. There is that fear of seeing him with someone else, and that fear of never seeing/talking to him again.
I’m falling apart, and dying inside.